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Once upon a time, Timothy Woodley was born at an early age in Great Bridge, Tipton, The Black Country. Sandwiched nicely between two slaughterhouses. He was christened as Timothy, a name used by his Mom when he'd been naughty, if he’d piddled on the toilet seat for example.
His friends call him Tim but most politicians call him John.
You can call him Timmy if you want his Mom to stab you in the eye with a bread knife.
Perhaps he’s better known by his nickname, Swampy. Acquired from Bloxwich Blue Watch during an horrific 13 year stretch in The West Midlands Fire Service for simply caring about animals, humans and being vegetarian.
His public speaking career started about fifteen years ago with business presentation. For the last ten years or so, he's mainly been talking about soap manufacture, a business of his. The excitement of talking to Townswomen’s Guilds, Women’s Institutes and church groups was killing him so he decided to have a crack at stand-up comedy.
Timothy shuns the safety of the pink and fluffy self-deprecating cotton wool featherbed comedy genre and draws on many previous experiences to combine observational, physical and storytelling humour.
Skipping joyfully down the road of the joke that is life and seeing the funny side of everything, his previous activities include manager at McDonalds, loan shark, debt collector, Fireman, Police Community Support Officer, door to door salesman, doorman, vegetarian cook, HGV driver, psychic Rune reader, drummer and natural soap maker. The latest day job is being a driving instructor, teaching genetic experiments how to coordinate two hands and two feet in order to move a ton of metal around without killing themselves, everybody else on the road, and, most importantly, Timothy himself.
He likes to think his arrival on the comedy scene is the coming of The Vegetarian Anti-Christ as foretold by Cardinal Biffi in 2000 (It really was! Google it!).
Apart from stand up, Timothy is working with Mat Growcott, a professional writer and genetic experiment friend of his, on a comedy podcast show and a cheery, happy book, 'Regression. Welcome To Hell', the story of Timothy's involvement in the psychic world.
Timothy is available for weddings, birthdays, public executions and anytime you want a virgin (Female, preferably) putting to the sword.
There is no happy ever after though.
The past is history, the future is a mystery. Right now is a gift. That's why it's called the present.
So you might as well stop being a titty babby, get off yer face, rock out and loff like a drain before you die.